june 1st, 2021

well, today seems like its going to be something. or is something. i dont know the difference sometimes. its just like this when i got to sleep at four in the morning and wake up ten hours later.
i know itll get better soon because it has to, and i know that its all up to me, but in some ways im just waiting for time to pass. we spend a lot of time waiting for time to pass here on earth.
it still feels a lot like im not getting anything done yet, but im trying. im spending some time today trying to get my cat to eat like normal. she hasnt been eating enough and its making her really sleepy- so far shes just resting all the time and doesnt seem interested in playing like before. i know its just stress from moving, so im hoping she'll be okay soon and once we get this place set up she'll like it more. shes getting comfortable, but i worry for her.. eat more, sweetie.. oh! yes, ill bring her some wet food soon, and maybe she will be more excited about that.
im also struggling with my medication. it seems like i need to phone the pharmacy and ask for a refill request to be sent to my doctor. i messaged the doctor and their assistant responded telling me to ask the pharmacy to send a refill request that way. but i hate calling for things. ill try tomorrow, i guess? hell. why cant we just have infinite refills? because we could overdose on them?? but i could just do that with one bottle, its not like i need more. i dont get it. well i do get it, but its just frustrating.
ill try to be productive today. its really hard.
ok, it is now a few hours later. i have been feeling terribly. it is hard to feel positive. my kitty has slept for most of the day and i have convinced her to eat some, and she seems a little bit better with it and thats good but i still want her to eat more obviously. and also play more. she seems not very energised for it since she hasnt eaten enough. i read online it could take up to two weeks to get back to normal, but i know she'll get back to normal soon and ill keep petting her and giving her lots of love to help her settle in. shes mostly just sleeping under the covers.. maybe i can convince her to play a little tonight.. i dont know. everything is tiresome. i played videogames for a few hours and it felt fun but kind of unfulfilling and was hard on my brain as usual. i still havent made my dinner food yet, so im about to get on doing that and then ill be ok. probably.
im very tired of having mental illness. i know its not the root of all my problems, but it sure is heavily influential on many if not most of them. im mature enough to recognise that and to understand that it isnt an excuse for everything bad in my life. oh, i would very much like to not have mental illnesses.
i dont know how to respond when people ask me if im okay. because the answer is pretty much almost always no, but theres not, going to be a convenient time to get into that?? so i just want to say nothing or avoid the subject? i dont know. theres not a good time for me to get into talking about my feelings. i just want to cry a lot.
i dont feel ashamed of that. crying is fine, and wanting to cry is fine.
ok, ill go make some noodles.
made noodles. doing ok. probably going to thumbnail story beats for movie?

lets go back home