i went on the train today. it was a long ride. about an hour and a half of going on the train and making 1 transfer to a different train. i made a mistake at one point and got on the wrong train, but it was fine and i just got off at the next stop. it was also very cheap. the only issue is the length of time that i have to be on the train and also the atmosphere of the train which drains my mood a lot. a man on the train got off at his stop and then made a point to open his hand to wave at me three separate times, as if making sure that i understood that he was making the wave at me specifically. i think that he thought i was a young child, or at least younger than i was, because it felt like how you would wave at a baby to humor them or make them smile. or just a young child, to acknowledge them and say hi or whatever. i guess i look younger than i am, with the mask on? or i probably looked a certain way that i do with my face like that. i dont know. i was slouching, too, because at the time there were more people in the train car and i was feeling a little overwhelmed and was making myself smaller. i also just didnt want to touch the seat so i was compressing my self.
when i got to my destination i discovered that i was very, very tired and i had some coffee and a banana. it didnt help.
i then attended the meeting that i had travelled there to go to, and ended up crying for nearly an hour straight about it because i am a huge crybaby with mental illness and also a young adult who makes mistakes and ends up not knowing what the hell theyre doing. it made me realise that im suicidal again, which sucks, but im not surprised. ive been suicidal for years and i thought the habit of thinking had left me, but it hasnt. or i guess its just back. it feels like a strange creature following me that i cant seem to shake.
speaking of strange creatures following me, i have a new plot for my movie that i came up with last night but then on the train today i thought of another major revision to it. id really like to get my outline set in stone, but things keep changing and i need to commit to one of them. i do want to lean into folklore aspects, so i kind of want to keep my character myrica as a changeling who doesn't know until it's revealed to them in the story.
i think if i can make a story with elements that are personal enough to me that i feel strongly that THIS is the story i want to tell, this is it, ive got it, then i can settle on one. but i still have some deadlines and i want to start working on the screenplay, even if it doesnt feel perfect. ill.. do my best.
i know that i really need to address themes of mental illness, or i think ill feel unsatisfied with it. i shouldnt try to tackle too much at once, but im tackling.......... what i want to tackle. gosh, im hungry.
ah, hell, i just checked my pharmacy website to see where my prescription is and it says it wont arrive for another four days. i only have one day of meds left, so ill just have to . bear with the withdrawal symptoms for a while. i hope i dont throw up or anything. this is going to suck. im going to try not to make it noticeable for others because theyre just going to scold me for not being more prepared. im planning on attending a water fight and seeing some good friends in two days, so i hopefully wont be too fatigued by the symptoms..

this song just played on my automated youtube mix playlist im listening to, and i enjoy it.. a lot of these romance songs are influencers in my movie. hooray. okay im getting tired of typing now im going to eat something good maybe a potato

it's a bit later now, about 3:31 AM as im tying this. ive listened to the new PinocchioP song at least twenty times in the past few hours. its been really effective in getting me excited about my storytelling and just making art in general. pinocchiop always seems to inspire me to do something or other..
i think im making good progress. i want to stick with this outline idea. i want to flesh it out. i want to give it bones and a heart and lungs and a liver and kidneys and a pancreas and a stomach and intestines and a spleen and all. i want to give it everything i can. i want to tell a story that speaks to me. i want something that feels good to watch for the soul.
i know im challenging myself, but i think i need a challenge right now. i need to be doing something that i know will be difficult. i need to be putting myself in these positions. i need something to be this excited about. i need a lot of things, really, and im not going to get all of them, but i can be in control of this to an extent and its enough. go back

lets go back home