im in my last year of high school now.
i dont.. really have much to complain about. ive done so well in my past three years that i havent even come close to failing any classes on a report card. my biggest fears in the past have only been getting a B grade instead of an A, like i would want.
i dont know why this year is different. maybe the anesthesia of going to a private school and switching over to the LAUSD program is wearing off for good.
its not like im more tired than usual. i feel normal, honestly. it just seems like theres no fight left in me. work seems to matter a lot less than it used to.
im not even sure if it mattered before. i think that before i just saw it as something to get out of the way, and now i can barely see it at all. it's so easy to pile things up to the side and forget about them.
i think im using my depression as an excuse to not do things. its not great to think about, but i want to take responsibility for my actions.
the fact is that only two out of the six classes im taking right now even matter.. before this year, every class mattered, really. or at least thats how i thought of them. i think that looking at my transcript so closely and whats required of me has changed my standards, somehow. this wouldnt have happened before. i used to be really hardcore.
somehow.. i dont know, but it feels like im almost dreading college. im excited, but im also dreading it. i dont know what will happen to me. i dont know how i will make money or how i will survive if i use my art as a profession because i feel like ill be forced to do it so much that ill forget how to have fun with it and that really stresses me out.
but i also want to do it. i dont want to give up. i just dont want to struggle so much.
ive come to terms with the fact that i might not want to do art as a profession at all. and yet. i still want to have enough time to do it. i dont want to forget about it. im so scared of forgetting about things.
and i dont want my family to think that im giving up. i feel so much external pressure to follow through with exactly how i say things that its very overwhelming for what i think that i have to do and how people see me and i kind of hate it but my family has always been a lot better than me at everything.
i want to do art. i want to illustrate stories and ideas for them and props and environment design. i just want to work on my own stories, and i dont want to have the pressure of wondering if its good enough. if its for me, then it will be good enough. i dont want to be confined. maybe thats the most important piece of information ive learned about me and my art through all of my art classes and programs designed to prepare me for private art colleges.
i.. i dont know.
i guess that i should go to community college and then i could save a lot of money by taking online classes. that was my last conclusion, i think. everything is so uncertain, and everyone keeps telling me that it will be okay and that i dont have to try to plan everything right now, but its hard not to when im so insecure about my art skills.
oh, and im in a burnout period, so thats.. inconvenient!
i think that i should be working more on studying for my art skills, but i think my lack of motivation is going hand in hand with my lack of motivation for schoolwork. everything feels worthless. hell, i feel worthless.
in general, my latest coping mechanism to distract myself is to think about dogs all of the time. i feel like im getting a better understanding of it all, and its wonderful. i cant wait to have a dog. i know i only have to wait a few more months, because i need somewhere to live with it that is outside of my house, but it has to be somewhere where i can also go to college?
my mom mentioned a campus in san luis obispo where i could study either interior design or graphic design there. i might like it up there..? if its close to sam, who is the only person i know who lives up there, i think i would like it. ill have to check carefully to see which campus everything is on, because there are a bunch of different programs spread out in different places and i dont want to deal with that..
i know that im also going to miss fru a lot if i move, but, i dont even see fru a lot right now. i dont know what i could really change. its a little depressing for me to think about. i want to see them, i really do.
i just looked through the college website that i was thinking about, and i feel a little more hopeful. i don't need a lot of money, i kind of just want to be comfortable enough. if my favourite artists online can mostly do that, then maybe i can too? after all, louie zong and koyamori both didnt study in art schools, and i look up to them so much because of how successful they are.
also, i have no idea how louie zong has so much time, now that i think about it. how does he have so much time? he has a job, but he puts out so much content? hes always been incredible to me.
i have to wrap this up, since my class is ending soon. it was nice to journal a little. i dont have any plans for today, but ill try to not kill myself. that would suck